Thursday, December 30, 2004

The Trip (Day01)

Family Road Trip

Fully clad with sporty shorts, sexy tops, and comfortable sneakers. Our bags were filled with munchies and lots of other trip stuff… everybody seemed to be so keyed up. All geared, we headed up North for our long awaited break. But for me, this much looked-for holiday is something else.

I have much longed for a time-off… Time-off for myself, for my soul, for my mind and for my heart.

After the long, nonetheless exhilarating 4hour-drive (with stop over and all), we settled to our chosen spaces. I lazed on my bed with eyes closed… pleasing to the spirit, a fresh ambience, it’s such a respite. “Hey! Wake up sleepy head!” A shrill voice has awakened me… So much for the stillness I was embracing! “Bumangon ka dyan! We went here for a grand time dude!” It was my cousin Mark, bugging me. Oh well, he’s right! I shouldn’t ravage my stay… I must take pleasure in. Besides, that’s my chief purpose why I was here. “Yeah… umalis ka na sa harap ko, bago ko maasar syo,” I said as I push him away.


I had to convince myself that I was here for a luxurious escape.

Christmas day was cool, a little exhausting though. My angel has received fine pricey presents from everyone (not to mention cash presents..hoho!)… We splurged on opening the gifts the whole day. It’s a bonding moment for us and it was indeed fun. Before this trip, I made sure everything’s well taken care of. At least I know my baby’s all good while I’m away for a few days.

“Ate, ano itinerary for today? We must waste no time… mag-ikot na tayo agad!” Karen asked. Trust me, they really are so energized! “Lunch somewhere, ocean adventure in the afternoon, bahala na sa gabi,” was my response. And so we went on as planned.

Night came. It was time to rest… or at least just for me, ‘coz all of them we’re all so eager to welcome the next day with their eyes still opened. Drinking assembly (till you drop) was programmed for nights of day01, day02, day03...

Day1 was satisfactory. It was fun and everybody didn’t seem to mind the warm temperature we have dealt with during the day tour. Though for me, this day1 of my supposed holiday was just some mundane activity. Kim, I think noticed what the doldrums was. She’s a younger cousin of mine. More than anyone else, she’s more like the sensitive type of person. That’s the reason why I think she effortlessly deemed something was wrong with me… or if not wrong, I was not in my usual feisty mood.

“Ate, may problema ka ba?” She asked. I looked at her with a beam on my face, I said everything was good. Except that I guess I was just tired of the long trip. And then she said, “Oh, okay. Feeling ko kasi may problema ka. Iba ka ngayon eh. Nagsa-smile ka, pero hindi abot sa mata... gets mo?” Then turned her back and walked towards the door.

How could she discern such?

Friday, December 24, 2004

Christmas

Manger
To all of us who holds on to believing that Christmas is a time for more love, more peace and more happiness… May the Lord sanctify us and keep us in His embrace.

Here’s to a joyous Christmas for everyone!


From: Khristine Irish Calvento Hernandez-Book
(periwinkle---twelvefifteen)

Thursday, December 23, 2004

It's Killing Me

Club Me
I sit beside him; listen to him intently as he pours out every little hurt that he keeps inside.

He doesn’t know how it feels like having that someone you always loved. Him, there sitting beside, crying, looking so helpless. As if he already lost everything that’s essential for him. He doesn’t see me as someone worthy… I am there to hearten, to encourage; assure him life isn’t always unfair and that all of these will soon pass. I am there to embrace him and tell him that everything will turn out right for him in next to no time.

One minute I felt like I’m his world, his savior; next second would be an agonizing sentiment that it was just all deceitful beliefs…

It hurts me, greatly. It’s killing me.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Dream

Dreaming
I woke up and found out yesterday’s undertakings were all just but a dream; A propitious dream at that.

Now, I’m back to realism. A small voice whispers to my ear... “Don’t hurt yourself again, love.” As it tries to win over my heart.

Be careful now; for your spirit’s unguarded.

Unanticipated

Cheered Up


Born to love you
George Duke

You walk into my life
And changed the balance of my days
With your eyes you say
I'm yours and you are mine

But still, something's very wrong
No I can't just go along
Though you want to stay
I must find a reason to delay

*
We're not the same
You’re playing game, I know
But If I keep my feeling strong
I'll find the song you sing
Though I can tell we're worlds apart
And in my heart it's clear
That love has found a cloudy day
I'm here to say that I…
Was born to love you (more)

Such a lovely face
With a warm and tender smile
Though I want you so
Found in deep inside keep saying

Don't trust your heart this time
Could my mind be playing games
Am I so betrayed
That my heart and mind

Can never be the same again...

It was something unanticipated to take place. I wasn’t primed for it; it took the edge off nonetheless.

It may have not meant something for him… but for me it portended hope yet not assuming. Maybe it’s the deep scene we’re into, perhaps the need to feel warmth, or much to say missed each other that led to it… whatever the sense was, it was gentle.

I shouldn’t have done such… impugn me for I am defenseless to affection. I thought I have learned the lesson of the story… I guess not.

I thought I have understood the message of the fairy-tale… I did not, at all.

Monday, December 20, 2004

It's Back

Hate It When That Happens
The familiar affection’s back… and it’s not something that I be fond of keeping. I don't even know if it ever went away... Nevertheless, it is here to stay and I must put up with.

Shoot me...

I never learn.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Labyrinth

Map
A friend once told me, “You have to tell yourself to STOP… that’ll be the only time.” It sounded so smooth, just like a child’s play. Undecipherable to muddle through, nonetheless. In the past weeks, this ambiguous sentiment has been quite a homespun feeling. I am in oblivion.

I knew what he meant when he said that. It is only me, myself and I… it’s all up to me, no one else.

Without haste, I did things which I thought would most fully encourage me to make headway. Slowly, I began to deem that there’s a better life after this labyrinth. As soon as I reach the end of the maze or as soon as I fathom out which door to go for, that’ll be the only time I can sincerely tell myself I have FORGIVEN him… and that I have truly MOVED ON from this anguish.

I maybe still a little lost at this point, but I know in a little while I’ll figure the right direction and hit upon my way out to this labyrinth.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Thank You

Take A Bow

In the early hours of Tuesday, my mobile has started to receive greetings from relatives, friends and links from way back and in mint condition. 12mn strikes and messages come gushing in. I couldn’t show appreciation enough to all those who have off pat.

I never expected anything so grand. Nevertheless, the ‘grand’ word is meagre to explicate yesterday’s comings and goings. Fitting words would be something like ‘affecting and amorous.’

Thank you to all those who have learned by heart yesterday’s worth.

A Reason, A Season And A Lifetime

Hammock

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed on the surface or to yourself. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to grant you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any offence on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and coerce you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our needs have been met, our desires fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They may bring you an experience of stillness or make you snigger. They may edify you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! Even so, it is only for a season.


LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a sound emotional foundation. Your piece of work is to put up with the message, love the person or the people in any way; and set what you have learned to custom in all other relationships and matters of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Tomorrow

Bouncy Colors 2
Tomorrow..
Tomorrow..
I love you, tomorrow.
You're always a day away............

Friday, December 10, 2004

5 Days To Go

Birthday Song
“5 days to go before my birthday!”

Okay. Did it appear so enthusiastic? Not that I’m excited ‘coz I’m getting a year older. It’s just that, a lot has taken place in the past weeks and I really thought I won’t be able to recover before long from those undertakings.

Prior to this day, I felt that this time of the year’s meaningless. Well, at least for me. I wasn’t expecting great things come to pass. Despair and worries were all over me. Who would want to push the boat out having those as companions?

It is just now that I felt the excitement. I don’t exactly know why or what happened. Nevertheless, I’m so thankful… so grateful for it.

It’s “5 days to go before my birthday!”

I Am Ready

Castaway
Today’s not my conventional rout nary. When I say conventional, 9a I wake up and my day starts playing with my angel before everything else.

Today’s a distinctive time for me. The time I felt so alone and I wanted to just cry helplessly. I felt so vulnerable. I suddenly felt like going away for awhile. So I grabbed my phone, tip tap, message sent! After a couple of text messages sent, my mobile kept ringing. Friends, they really are heaven sent, I didn’t answer though. I didn’t have the spirit to say hello… I didn’t trust my voice, it might just betray me.

I went away.

I had my own time. I have opted to keep myself absent from the tiring and eventful world I’m into, even for just awhile. Friends kept calling, they never give up. They sent words of hope, encouragement and love. I wish I could buy all of it… but my mind’s not so acquiescing at this point. I still have to convince myself, more. Loneliness is not something you feel because you just feel like feeling it. The sentiment of emptiness is not simple to put up with. You go through this phase once, twice or a lot of times. And it is but only you who can put an end to it… your spirit and determination to keep it going.

I settled myself in a serene spot. There, I obtain the stillness that I’ve been missing. I cried, to my heart’s content. No one’s stopping me from doing so… and I was thankful for that. I prayed. I asked for a sign, an indication that what I’m about to decide on is just right. And then, a long pause. I heard a tune; I didn’t know if it was just a twist of fate, still I felt appeased.

'Cause I'm lost and alone

I've been wandering
Long enough to know
Humbly I search for you
And I'm not gonna rest
Till you

Choose me
Use me
Sometimes I feel so alone
I'm on my way back home
So why don't you

Direct me
Bless me
Wash me whiter then the snow
I'm on my way
Back home

How magnificent what a prayer can make happen. And then it was time to set off. My phone has stopped ringing.

36missed calls. 10messages received.


Tip tap, “I’m ready to go back.” Message sent!

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Candy Cane Smiley
I thought of him today.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas

Let your heart be light
From now on our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yuletide gay
From now on our troubles will be far away…

“Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas!” The chant I heard on the radio. I guess that’s the best thing to say to him. It’s all disappointments and frustrations for him in the year that was… from what I know.

Peace of mind, contentment and affluence are my paramount wishes for him this Christmas. Some or I’d say most of my friends, beyond doubt will give me a good spanking for it. I sincerely am making an effort to put everything behind. Yet, it is here. I know I’ll recover from it in next to no time… I just don’t know exactly when.

…Once again as in olden days

Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more…

During this time of the year we are such gushy beings. Family, relatives and friends are just everywhere. Even to our enemies, we pose for truce. He used to tell me, he doesn’t have friends. Not that he don’t want them; just close to it. Why? He has definitely given me a reason, it was not sensible enough though for me. “Friendship comes with commitment and responsibility. I already have lots of responsibilities and obligations to take care of. I can’t handle it anymore.” That’s more or less how he said it. I hope he changes his mind this holiday season and let true friends come close to him.

…Through the years we all will be together

If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now…

As the song fades, I mulled over. Everybody deserves to have a Merry Christmas. Even him; he ought to have a Merry Christmas. It is an occasion for love, hope and peace. It’s a time to disregard anger and hurt. Time to forgive and forget (I’m just not so sure about this).

I thought about myself today.
And I guess I'll be telling the same thing...

…Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now…


“…Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas, Khristine.”

You

Love Sick love sick
You

You will find love, as it was meant to be embraced.. y
ou will embrace life.
You will soar to heights, that before.. you dared to dream about
You will blossom, into the beautiful flower you are.
You will shed your cocoon and explore new horizons.. your freedom.
It will be then that you will know yourself and realize,
That in the continium of time, you are still but a child.
It will be then and only then..
When you are alone that you will know your fears.
And through the dim of light,
When all the battles have gone, and when it is over..
I will be there to guide you safely through the void.
---simplyred143butterfly.blogspot.com

Poem written for me by simplyred. Thank you dear.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Rachelle

It's A Girl
To my dear Rachelle,


It’s a girl! Congratulations!

We are all excited to see the baby… “Purple Ecliash!” Damn… I don’t know if I got it right, or whatever the second name is!

I know it’s a blissful feeling… No one can ever describe such sentiment; all you’re aware of is that, she is the greatest present you ever received from God. Nine long months you’ve waited; that all you could ever do is feel her, sense her, talk to her like she’s just in front of you.

Sunday, December 05, 2004… To the delivery room of the hospital you go. You give all your strength, along with it is your most intense prayer that both of you endure the difficult procedure. And now, the moment has come; you readied yourself to finally see her. Just right after your last strong push, you take notice of a small voice crying. And then the doctor tells you, “Rache, it’s a baby girl!”


Everyone in the room’s engaged with their responsibilities, all in such a hurry, while you, start to get so moved because the doctor has handed you, your most valued possession… your little angel. You don’t even notice what your doctor and her juniors do to you. You’re still overwhelmed by the thought that she came from you, alive and in the pink. You both survived the first ever challenge the two of you shared. Your teary eyes are set to the little angel while saying a thank you prayer to the Lord.

You are now a mother. And I know you will be a very loving, caring and supportive kind. Trust me when I say it’ll be a tough task, but it sure is worth all the pain and sacrifices. Being a mother is a gift, not everyone gets the chance to be one… It is a blessing and you should be grateful for it. Certainly I’d say it is the most rewarding career in the whole world.

I love you Rache… I am always here for you. Sweet kisses to the angel.



With all the love in my heart, tintin




Monday, December 06, 2004

All Endings Are Beginnings (final scene)

Crying 1
It was nothing romantic. He just asked if I could stay a little longer ‘coz he simply wanted the coolness that the car air conditioner provides. It was a familiar scene for us. We park somewhere, stay inside the car and just chit-chat. I guess that’s what ‘kept us’ for awhile. We take pleasure in speaking our minds out to each other without vacillations.

“Sure...” I granted. “Lord, just a little more time with him…I promise this is the last of it.” My inside thoughts. I settled to my seat and stared at him, while he, resting his head on the rest with eyes closed. I couldn’t help myself; I can’t let this moment pass. This will be the last time I’ll be seeing him. Or until the time I’d be ready to forgive and forget. The damage it has caused me is not something as easy like a Sunday morning. I whispered, ‘I love you, beh,’ that only my conscience could heed.

To keep the soft mood, I tried to come up with something to talk about. “Okay ka na ba ngayon?” I questioned. He opened his eyes and gazed at me. “What do you mean?” he asked back. “If mas okay ka na ngayong wala ako...” I barely heard my voice. I wasn’t fishing; I just wanted to make sure he’s alright. And that estrangement from me made his life uncomplicated. “It’s not it… You know that.” He said. From there, we started a conversation, one led to another. As anticipated, we didn’t agree on some issues and finished off exclaiming, “Okay, whatever!” He stayed a little more and then I decided that it was time to go.

‘Time to go’ has a diverse sense. But for me, it only meant one thing… Wrap up. Go on with my life, move on. I don’t know how and where to start. I guess I’ll just figure it out as I move along. That was my chief goal anyway; to clear things up with him so I can move forward and recoup the serenity that I truly missed since these things started in full swing. It’ll be arduous on my part but I’ll get by, by all means.

I tried hard not to be poignant. “You take care. This’ll be the last time I’m talking to you and I’m changing my mobile number anytime next week. Don’t worry, I won’t be sending you spam mails anymore. Basta, ingat ka na lang palagi and I hope things get better soon,” were my last words to him. He just said that it’s all up to me. Then just before he opened the car door, he said, “Alam ko iiwas ka eh. Neverthless…” and he embraced me, it was a tight hug. It’s as if we both knew that, that was really our last glimpse on each other. While at it, he gave me a kiss on the cheek, it was longer than his usual kiss, and then he whispered to me, “thank you.” The used to be ‘I love you’ word is now ‘thank you.’ Things change, right. Or maybe, there wasn’t really ‘I love you’ at all. I had to relax myself before I was able to move any bit.

At then he’s gone.

It passed my mind that truly, ALL ENDINGS ARE BEGINNINGS… WE JUST DON’T KNOW IT AT THE TIME. I learned that from the book I’m into right now. While writing this, I can’t help but agree with it. We may have not sensed it at the time of the ‘ending,’ but certainly endings are just the start of something new for us. Be it in love, career or whatever aspect in our life that has ended.

I may have tripped or made a terrible mistake for assuming something out of nothing. One person may have let me feel worthless or even of no great concern, but I know this ‘ending’ hasn’t changed any bit of me. I am positive about it. I know who I am and I am worthy. I am worth it.

Now, I am confident that my ‘beginning’ has started.

Sunday, December 05, 2004

All Endings Are Beginnings (scene2)

Crying 2
“Nothing, forget about it.” He said while giving me that ‘you-don’t-have-to-know’ beaming look. I didn’t believe it. I knew there was more to it. “What was it?!” I was determined, I really want to know. What was it that he appreciates? In the past months that we’re together, he hardly said that… that he appreciates what I say or do. Most of the time, we’re extremes. We jar over certain issues and our views often are at opposite ends. Nevertheless, we get along well.

Back then, we share good laughs, we enjoy exchanging notes on life matters, be it our own or someone else’s. We share problems, from simple to complicated ones. We even cry together… Well, mostly him. He cries when things just don’t go the way he expected it to be or just when he feels so upset, frustrated and disappointed to people… and I was there to console him. I am his ‘partner.’ That’s what I was for him, as far as I know. I’d always say, “Beh, okay lang yan. We’ll get through this together. Hwag ka na umiyak.” And I’d embrace him snugly, making him feel safe and that everything’s gonna be alright.

We’d brawl over small things. We kiss and make up. We say ‘I love you’ to each other… That’s why I thought we had something. We never clearly talked about it, but I knew we were on the ‘more than friends’ status. That was before he informed me, “We’re just close friends, for me at least. And that was one of the reasons why I distanced myself to you.” Bull’s eye, right on my face! It was as if someone just smacked me big time.

“I’m sorry. I really thought we had something.” Whew! That was one tough task, but I managed to say it with grace. I even smiled. I need not as a matter of fact, should’ve said that. As far as I can remember, I’m the one who’s duped.

“Ano na nga yung naa-appreciate mo? Go!” Trust me when I say, I’ll never stop. Then he looked my way and seriously said, “I appreciate you, still calling me ‘beh’ up till now.” Okay. I called him that and I didn’t realize it at all. I guess ‘coz it’s something you’re used to saying… old habits die hard. Throughout the ride, I’d say we survived each other’s presence. He parked along the side street near his place; and stayed inside the car still. He rested his head and looked at me, “Can you stay a little longer?” he asked.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

All Endings Are Beginnings (scene1)

Crying 2
One Last Cry
My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
I gave my best to you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry

I was here
You were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings was gone
Gotta get over you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind
For the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I'm down,
I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down...
I guess I'm down...
To my last cry...

(Based on true to life story...)

“Hey…” he said with a pat on my back. I gave a glimpse and said “hi.”

That’s our usual greeting. Well before, “hey!” comes with a kiss… things change you know. It was about a week ago since I last saw him. Naghiwalay pa nga kaming magka-away, lagi naman eh. As he settles down, I readied myself. I should be ready; I was the one who asked for this talk in the first place. He asked for a cigarette. At least I was ready for that. I bought 2 packs of it, (for him and mine) just before I went to Starbucks (our meeting place) to meet him. “You want anything from here?” It’s a disease… I always ask him that. “No, I’m okay, thank you.” That was his response.

“You said you wanted to talk. What is it about?” That’s his standard, no more beating around the bush. This is the start of it… I’m not backing out… I can do this! “Yosi ka muna...” was my reply. I know it didn’t answer his question, but I had to buy time… I didn’t rehearse at all. I told myself to just spill out everything what’s in my mind. Tell him everything that I’ve always wanted to tell him, ask him everything that I’ve always wanted to ask and let him know how I truly feel. And that is NOW; at this exact moment.

I looked at him intently. Thinking on what, where and how to start on… questions just came gushing out of my lips. The kids, "the relationship," about her, about him, about me. He answered each and every issue truthfully… I guess, I hope. In that particular moment it was as if we were in the old times. Well, not that “old.” It was just recent, yeah, but it felt like the things that we were talking about happened 10 years ago. As if it was all in the past; actually, its now all in the past. We ended up laughing at it… me, hurting inside though. I didn’t have to tell him that... What for? No use.

Coffee, cigs and a little chit-chat, it was getting late. “Did you eat dinner na?” I asked. ”Not yet… But I’m good, no problem.” He said. “Let’s go? Sabay ka na sa akin uwi…” I offered, and he agreed. “Drive thru na rin tayo sa McDonald’s… gusto ko ng twister fries eh.” Just right after I said that, he gave me that surprised smiling look. “Wow, is that you?! Dati ayaw na ayaw mo ng McDonald’s ah!” "Lahat nga kasi nagbabago..." I said and then just gave him a beam. At least that, he remembers. May alam pa rin pala siya sa akin…

We started to walk towards the parking lot. Naisip ko yung dati... we used to hold hands while walking (HHWW), ngayon hindi na. Things change nga eh, ang kulit! We got in the car, drive thru McDonald’s, then headed home. While preparing our fast food meal, naisip ko parang tulad pa rin ng dati... Meron pa rin palang hindi nagbago sa amin kahit papano! Tapos sabi ko, “beh, paki-ayos naman to…” He smiled and said, “I appreciate that.” “Ang alin?” I asked.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Honesty

Famous 8
  • "How desperately difficult it is to be honest with oneself. It is much easier to be honest with other people."
  • "Honesty is the first chapter in the book of Wisdom."
  • "I hope I shall always possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man."
  • Well, I tell you, if I have been wrong in my agnosticism, when I die I'll walk up to God in a manly way and say, Sir, I made an honest mistake.
  • I am a big believer in the 'mirror test.' All that matters is if you can look in the mirror and honestly tell the person you see there, that you've done your best.
  • There is no such thing as a man willing to be honest that would be like a blind man willing to see.