Cards On The Table

While rummaging through some things last night, I found a letter written to me that contained the phrase, “I will never hurt you...ever.” This statement seems ludicrous when I read it now because the person who wrote it actually ended up hurting me more than anyone else ever could. Such a glowing promise! Such intent she had! So why was she unfaithful? Why was she unable to follow through with it? I think the words "I will never hurt you" are far too much for anyone to live up to, and those words put to promise and pen only called for them to be defied in the highest way possible. "I will not hurt you ever...at least until a week after you get this letter, sorry."

It would be so much easier, so much more honest really, if we started things out by saying, “I am going to hurt you, I just want you to be aware of this before anything happens.” How could we not endear the person who sidestepped all the formalities and games and pretenses of dating and just skipped to the most important part? I am going to hurt you, this I know for sure. And probably more than anyone else, because my feelings for you are going to grow and grow and grow until I can’t possibly contain them. Inevitably it will lead to me doing something stupid and selfish that hurts you, but all the while I just want to be closer to you. I just don’t know how to do that.

It would be so much easier if we brought things out on the table from the first night on, letting whomever we were with know and be confident with the fact that eventually we are going to screw things up. Eventually a birthday will be forgotten or a phone call left unreturned, or a reckless night with someone else confessed over breakfast at your favorite coffeeshop. This way, if I am entirely honest with you from the beginning of things, from the very sprout of love, you won’t be surprised when I screw things up. The less surprise we encounter the more logical we can be about things, and the more likely we can both say, “Well, we knew this would happen, so it can’t be all that bad.”

I wish that note would have read, “I will hurt you because I am not a perfect person, and I need you to love that about me, and I will love that about you.” I don’t think it would have changed the outcome of that relationship, but I think it would have changed my reaction to it. I wouldn’t have been as shell-shocked as I am, and that reaction wouldn't have shaped the way I have decided I will be in all of my relationships, how scared I am all the time that people will eventually leave me. I think I would have been able to look back on those words and realize that I made a commitment to love this person’s humanity, their flaws, their grouchy side and the mistakes they make, and I would have been able to remain friends with that person today.

I *want* that note to have said that so that I could have expected the end, but too often we don’t get what we expect, and we spend too much time expecting what we want. Too often we miss what we’re getting. I want to say now I'm far too human sometimes, far too flawed and malnourished for affection, and I need you to know that now and try to love me for it. But the best I'd be able to come up with, it seems, is I'm sorry.

(borrowed from trailerparkjesus)