Sure it’s charming to hold on to something with near-martyr determination, but sometimes the wisest move in the growing up-game is to walk away from the board. In our quest to find the best live-life-to-the-fullest strategy, we often resort to techniques we had been trained to use in childhood: try and try until you die, when in pain wear a beauty queen smile, and when the going gets tough, the tough—and you have to be tough—gets going. Everyone loves a never-say-die kind of girl, but how can you even bask in all that adoration when you’ve just about killed yourself trying? With a benevolent smile from somewhere amidst the clouds? Whether it’s a job, a relationship gone sour, or pants that no longer fit, remember that you always have the option to turn away from it. In other words, regroup, re-strategize, and try something else. Contrary to what others might tell you, this isn’t necessarily a copout.
Growing up, I don’t remember ever hearing this kind of advice. I don’t recall being told to “Quit and try something else” right after “vegetables are good for you” or “it’s always best to buy shoes in the afternoon when your feet have expanded,” so you kind of have to figure it out on your own. In my attempt to complete a degree in business, for example I spent entire semesters getting my act together in algebra—to no avail. When I finally dropped the crusade, I felt like a complete failure and took to heavy journal writing about the pains of a business course dropout. My self-esteem, while floundering for a sturdier foothold at 19, plummeted to an all-time low-faster than the peso against the dollar. While most people—with long faces and somber voices—told me that I could always try again next semester, my older cousin casually said, “Since you’re writing anyway, why not take a course in that direction?” I did, and my first few attempts at producing literature featured troubled heroines at the helm of multinationals. It was the same advice she gave me after a series of failed attempts to make it in the corporate world. It was time, she said, for me to get over my obsession with wearing suits and closed shoes, and to give in to my true calling of writing. Or to at least, parang awa mo na, try something different!
Applying the same principle to relationships, a lot of us are fixated on the idea of marrying our first boyfriends, never mind if at the back of our minds we’re plagued by the idea that we’re missing out on something, or someone else. Like, duh. An old friend once confessed that her long time boyfriend would hit her once in awhile, especially when he’d had a lot of drink. When I begged her to leave him, she stiffened and reasoned that they have been through so much as a couple and sayang naman if she didn’t make it work. I wanted to say it wasn’t working already, but the lessons that stay with you are the ones you learn on your own, sans the admonition of a teacher. And even if he doesn’t hurt you, don’t gag yourself with guilt if you end the relationship. If he no longer moves you, try someone else.
All this is, of course, easier said than done. After all, the whole act of letting go without breaking apart is a dissertation on its own. But keep in mind that life is not one straight tightrope that you have to keep walking—the more roads you travel, and the more divergent they are, the more you experience out of life (if your life project is to experience as much as you can).
Whether it’s love or a job, it’s good to get a grip and just as important to loosen it. Saying bye-bye to something or someone may be a bitch, but it can also be the best thing you can do for yourself.
